My Third Novel's Conclusion, My Heartbreak

My heart begins to break when I think about completing this particular book -- because this narrative has sustained me like no other story I've known. It's both more personal and more universal than my other works. But beyond memory and archetype, it's a cri-de-coeur about needing to become the person one is destined to be. And in the writing, I have met my own life's work, my own fated journey -- having the sense all the while that the pages are suffused with a resonance, an energy, an electrified field that defies explanation. Writers hope and pray to be overtaken by a work in this way -- to be conscripted into passionate service of a profound story. To experience it even once in a lifetime seems a great privilege. I still have several months before this novel is complete, and this constitutes my reprieve. Because I'm not ready for the beauty to end.




Friday, January 20, 2023

Restricted Access: For OIG Hotline Investigators Only

OIG Hotline investigators, it has been conveyed to me that my son Duncan MacWilliams' FBI handler is now instructing him to attest to falsehoods concerning my husband's and my capacity.

One must observe that the handlers manifesting the FBI's unconstitutional "target of interest" program are constantly reframing their deceits.

I cared for my father, who had been a brilliant scientist (https://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/09/science/earth/richard-p-von-herzen-explorer-of-earths-undersea-furnaces-dies-at-85.html ) for several years at the end of his life, when he struggled with vascular dementia associated with "small vessel disease."  The micro-strokes associated with this particular illness are strongly associated with the ApoE 4 gene, of which he carried a singled allele.

I attempted to honor this noble man in every possible way:  through choosing, together with him, a memory care center about which he was enthusiastic, through ensuring his active engagement in daily activities -- and being present with him on a daily basis, through getting to know his friends and their family members within his memory care residence, through serving on the memory care committee to facilitate prompt addressal of memory care residents' needs by the Continuing Care Retirement Community, by honoring and upholding his end-of-life wishes in every regard, by urging my brother Brian Von Herzen and my uncle, Michael Herzen, to be present on my father's last day, and by holding his hand faithfully until his last breath on January 28, 2016, shortly after 4:00 AM.

I loved and respected my father in every regard.  If there was a mountain to be moved for him, I was going to move it.

On his final day on this earth, he experienced a rare condition that occurs in only the smallest percentage of dementia patients:  terminal lucidity.  Nearing death, he became miraculously clear-minded.  We spoke about everything that had transpired over the previous several years.  He thanked me for all I had done for him.  And he expresssed to me, with a Jacques Cousteau-type of wonder, that he was going to be "living and learning on a higher level now" and that I shouldn't worry about him.  He explained that he was "going to the most beautiful place he had ever seen."

He honored me with being part of his life, and he honored me with his remarkable final hours as well.

At some point in my caregiving journey, I elected to take the test for the ApoE 4 gene myself.  When a parent carries a single allele, as he did, there is a fifty-fifty chance that he/she will pass it along to a child.

My results confirmed for me that, thankfully, I do not carry the ApoE 4 gene.

My father's final years were at times arduous, so I will express that I was immensely relieved to know that I would not be likely to experience dementia as a result of heredity.

Fortunately, my mind remains clear, cogent, and resilient.  I would not have been capable of surviving my wrongful status on the FBI's "target of interest" list otherwise.

While it's true that my driveway's leaves need raking, safety and security concerns have taken precedence over minor home maintenance projects.  These issues are easily remedied once my safety and security is better established.

I maintain faith that, with the help of investigators, my re-emergence into the wider world will soon be accomplished.

When that occurs, I look forward to articulating with clarity and purpose the manner in which far right segments of the FBI have departed from their Constitutional mandates, to the greater peril of our democracy.

For the sake of all law-abiding Americans on the FBI's "target of interest" list, I intend to represent them with a professionalism, a compassion, an intelligence, and an engagement of which my father would proud.

I hereby certify that the foregoing is true and correct,




Lane MacWilliams

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