My Third Novel's Conclusion, My Heartbreak

My heart begins to break when I think about completing this particular book -- because this narrative has sustained me like no other story I've known. It's both more personal and more universal than my other works. But beyond memory and archetype, it's a cri-de-coeur about needing to become the person one is destined to be. And in the writing, I have met my own life's work, my own fated journey -- having the sense all the while that the pages are suffused with a resonance, an energy, an electrified field that defies explanation. Writers hope and pray to be overtaken by a work in this way -- to be conscripted into passionate service of a profound story. To experience it even once in a lifetime seems a great privilege. I still have several months before this novel is complete, and this constitutes my reprieve. Because I'm not ready for the beauty to end.




Sunday, September 4, 2022

A Brother's Falsified Witness Statements

OIG Hotline, my stalker has indicated to me that it is necessary for me to address the character of my brother, a difficult task for many reasons.

Nonetheless, I will say that my brother is brilliant, insightful, original, and resourceful.  And I believe he genuinely cares about slowing climate change, so all of this is much to his credit.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, he treats the truth as a utilitarian concept, to be altered depending on the listener at hand.  At the age of sixteen, on reading The Prince, he declared Machiavelli to be his hero, due to his insight into the wielding of power.  In my view, he exhibits narcissistic tendencies that are sufficiently extreme as to border on malignant traits.

Here's an illustrative example:

My brother is a private plane pilot, and, when our sons were young, given the risks in flying the forty-year-old Cessna which he owned, my husband and I requested that he not take them up in his private plane during visits.  My brother had had myriad "close calls" in his plane, and we felt it was too dangerous.  My brother agreed to honor our wishes.

One day, when my older son, then about ten years old. was visiting him, my brother told him he had arranged a surprise my son was not to tell anyone about.  He drove my older son to the airport and told him they were going flying, but that my older son needed to promise not to tell my husband or me about the experience.

My older son, knowing my husband's and my feelings about insufficient safety, refused the flight.

Later that day, he confided to us all that had transpired.

When confronted, my brother did not deny his dishonesty.  He simply stated that my husband and I were unjustly preventing him from taking our sons flying.  He was defiant about his deceit, and never apologized.

Here's another revealing example:

My father, who suffered from vascular dementia in his later years, remarkably experienced something called "terminal lucidity" on his final day, which is to say he was utterly clear-minded for the first time in years.

He stated that he was going to pass away overnight, and his certainty and calm about the matter was so astonishing that I believed him entirely.

I immediately called my brother, who was at his home, about twenty minutes away, and urged him to come to my father's bedside.  There were multiple witnesses to this phone call, as I was not alone at the time.

"I can come tomorrow," my brother said.

"Dad says he won't be here tomorrow," I said.  "Don't wait."

"I can come tomorrow, not today."

"Please don't wait," I said.

"Tomorrow," he said.

My father died overnight, while I held his hand, at approximately 4:07 a.m.  I was honored and privileged to be present with him on that journey,  and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

My brother bore substantive guilt over what had transpired.  At the West Coast memorial service for my father, my brother stated that he thought I was exaggerating my father's state, so he hadn't come to my father's bedside for that reason.  At the East Coast memorial service for my father, a little more time had passed, and my brother told attendees that I had actually prevented him from attending my father's bedside.  When I confronted him about his slander, he fell silent.

"Dad, from his current vantage, forgives you," I told him.  "You need to try to find a way to forgive yourself."

He could not answer, perhaps because self-forgiveness eluded him.

And so.

Given character traits that are consistent with narcissism, it is regrettable that my brother is now being compensated to contribute to the FBI's falsified law enforcement reporting about my family and me.

My brother is highly transactional, and will offer little resistance to the slander that is demanded of him by the FBI and its affiliates.

On the positive side, I will say this:  I don't believe I could ever have survived the predations of FBI personnel within the agency's unconstitutional "target of interest" program without knowing my brother well.  In my view, his characteristics "schooled" me in some of the techniques of corrupt FBI personnel and affiliates.  I was not wholly unprepared, because of having grown up with someone for whom the truth was malleable, personal profit was prioritized, and conscience and compassion were feigned.  It is necessary to be grateful for those who make us stronger in the service of the truth.  My brother has managed to do that, though this was far from his intent.

My brother is my only sibling.

Despite his many failings, I would help him if he ever needed shelter or advocacy.

This is a promise I extended to my parents, and I intend to honor it.

I hereby certify that the foregoing is true and correct.




Lane MacWilliams


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