My Third Novel's Conclusion, My Heartbreak

My heart begins to break when I think about completing this particular book -- because this narrative has sustained me like no other story I've known. It's both more personal and more universal than my other works. But beyond memory and archetype, it's a cri-de-coeur about needing to become the person one is destined to be. And in the writing, I have met my own life's work, my own fated journey -- having the sense all the while that the pages are suffused with a resonance, an energy, an electrified field that defies explanation. Writers hope and pray to be overtaken by a work in this way -- to be conscripted into passionate service of a profound story. To experience it even once in a lifetime seems a great privilege. I still have several months before this novel is complete, and this constitutes my reprieve. Because I'm not ready for the beauty to end.




Thursday, December 15, 2022

Update: Restricted Access: For OIG Hotline Investigators Only

Update:  Security seal numbers have been updated.  Please verify corrected codes.

This post is intended for the Investigations Division of the Office of the Inspector General Hotline of the U.S. DOJ only.

All other readers are asked to exit this post at this time.

For privacy reasons, this post will be made available for a limited time prior to its removal from this blog.

Lane MacWilliams

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December 15, 2022

To the Office of the Inspector General Hotline, Investigations Division:

Later today, my husband will FedEx to your Office, on my behalf, the material to follow.  All redactions will be removed from the content you receive.

The audio files should be readily accessible, as the operating manual for the Sony device is enclosed.

Security seals pertinent to this mailing bear the following numbers:  NO1859876, NO1859877, NO1859878, NO1859886, NO1859885,  NO1859884, NO1859883, NO1859882, NO1859881, NO1859880, NO1859879.







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To the Office of the Inspector General Hotline, Investigations Division:

The enclosed Sony audio recorder contains two audio files documenting conversations with my husband Ken MacWilliams and my son Graham MacWilliams concerning the childhood of my son Duncan MacWilliams.

The operating instructions for this device are enclosed.  This recorder has never been connected to a memory stick or USB line, so its files should be pristine.

Please note that neither Ken MacWilliams nor Graham MacWilliams knew they were being recorded.  While I did not intend to violate their privacy rights, I wanted investigators to hear their candid dialogue with me concerning Duncan's safety as a child.

These recordings are intended for investigative purposes.

Partial transcripts are enclosed herewith.

The conversation with Ken MacWilliams references an incident of a child in Duncan's first grade classroom who was touching Duncan inappropriately during class time.  this incident was immediately resolved with the teacher's assistance.  Due to Oregon state laws, the teacher did report this incident in accordance with state requirements.  (Riverdale Elementary School, Portland, Oregon 2003-2004)

Page 2 of the transcripted conversation with Ken MacWilliams references "modeling," which refers to "role-playing" in an attempt to enhance Duncan's safety regarding a specific incident of a man who was attempting to lure children to his car by offering them candy.  This was reported in our neighborhood in 2003 or 2004, I believe. (Riverdale Elementary School, Portland, Oregon)

"KAIROS," mentioned in my conversation with Ken MacWilliams, refers to a student retreat during senior year of high school, in which family dynamics are given generous attention.

It is my hope that these recordings will help to illuminate the truth of Duncan's childhood for OIG Hotline investigators.  Duncan and his brother Graham were cherished throughout their childhoods, and their safety and well-being protected and upheld as my highest priority as their parent.

Falsified law enforcement reporting as coerced by Duncan MacWilliams' FBI handler does alter this truth.

Most sincerely,






Lane MacWilliams

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(Artwork by Duncan MacWilliams, age 6)

Transcript of a conversation between Ken MacWilliams and Lane MacWilliams, recorded at 7:28 AM on Wednesday, December 14, 2022.

Lane:  Yeah, so I was thinking more about those allegations that Duncan may have made false claims about his childhood.  But you know, I remember that thing in high school. It was called Kairos.

Ken:  There it is.  Good.

Lane: (spelling) K-A-I-R-O-S

Ken:  Brilliant.  Which means... something.

Lane: But I just remembered that's what it was.  You may have even said that, and I was picturing it differently.  But anyway, I remember he went to that event.

Ken:  I said about a hundred things.

Lane:  I know.  But he went to that event, and he came back and said we had the happiest family in the whole school.

Ken:  Mm-hm.

Lane:  And that "Oh, we don't have any alcoholism, there's no drug abuse. nobody's on medication, nobody's depressed, no child abuse."  And remember he said that.

Ken:  "No other shenanigans with bringing people into the house."

Lane:  What do you mean?

Ken:  Affairs.  I mean there's no limit to what people will do and have done.

Lane:  Yeah.  But he never said anything to you about experiencing abuse as a child.

Ken:  No, Doll.  Pure and simple.

Lane:  Pure and simple no.

Ken.  Mm-hm.

Lane:  I was so careful with them.  Like I didn't even let them go into the men's restroom unaccompanied.  Remember that?  I was so careful with them.

Ken:  They know that.

Lane:  And then, also, remember that whole incident when Wxxx in the first grade was touching him inappropriately, and I thought about it so hard, and then I went in with him to the teacher and he expressed it to the teacher -- right? -- what was going on, and then the teacher handled it.  I mean I was so careful with him.  right?  Like anything.  I was so careful, always so careful.

Ken:  Yes, Doll.  Yes.  Yes.  Agree.  And now, keep that in mind when anyone alleges nonsense.

Lane:  He never alleged that to you.

Ken:  Not even close.

Lane:  Not even close.  And, you know, he and Graham were together all the time, and Graham has never alleged anything like this.  I mean, I remember trying to do modeling with him -- when there was that person with the car that was sort of approaching kids, and we said, "Oh, what if somebody offered you candy and you were walking home from school? What would you do?"  And then, he said, "Oh, I would distract the man and I would take the candy."  And we told him, "No, no, no, no, no, wrong answer."  Right?

Ken:  Mm-hm.

Lane:  But I'm just wracking my mind.  I tried to protect him every way.  So, it's really difficult to imagine that he would be making false allegations.

Ken:  Take this and gain strength from it with whatever other things you see come in.

Lane:  Oh, you mean on Pinterest.  You mean the allegations.

Ken.  Mm-hm.  I mean, it's non-stop, you told me.

Lane:  Well, yeah.

Ken:  A hundred a day.

Lane:  Well, it's true.  I do get a ton of threats that are coming in there, but...

Ken:  Don't give them the oxygen.

Lane:  Well, I understand.  But it's really hard to know what is genuinely being said or extended and what is not.  So, right now, I just want to be extra cautious.  I understand that you don't given it credence, but I feel like I have to be really careful and consider that Duncan could be ... he could have come under pressure from a third party.  From the FBI.

Ken:  Like the cat comic, he's earned the right to our respect.

Lane:  Wait, I missed what you just said.

Ken:  Like the cat comic, he's earned the right to our respect and the benefit of the doubt.

Lane:  Oh.

Ken:  He has not made any such nonsense claims.

Lane:  He's never made that claim to you.

Ken:  Oh, gosh, no.

Lane:  He's never made that claim to me.

Ken:  Of course.

Lane:  Or anyone that we know of.  Not anyone we know.

Ken:  Doll, let that baggage down.

Lane:  Well, you know, it was so great last night to just be looking at these beautiful paintings that they made, and the artwork.

Ken:  Better art than the Louvre.

Lane:  No kidding.  It's extraordinary that they clearly ... they were just ... they were experiencing so much wonder and joy in their childhoods with their spaceships and the dinosaurs, and, you know, everything they were imagining.

Ken:  And the members of their family.

Lane:  And the members of their family, yeah.

Ken:  One of the most amazing wonders, Doll.  One of the most amazing wonders.

Lane:  True.

Ken:  I love you, Doll.

Lane:  I love you.  Did you get enough (breakfast)?

Ken:  Yeah.  I must fly.

Lane:  OK.

Ken:  I'll wash this before I leave.  I'll just let it sit.

Lane:  I'll do it.  Don't worry.

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(Artwork by Duncan MacWilliams, age 5)

Transcript of a conversation between Graham MacWilliams and Lane MacWilliams, recorded at 12:55 PM on Wednesday, December 14, 2022, beginning at approximately nine minutes into the recorded audio file.

(Reviewing artwork from Duncan MacWilliams' and Graham MacWilliams' childhood.)

Lane:  Look at this .... that Duncan made.

Graham:  Oh, yeah.

Lane:  Isn't it great?

Graham:  Yeah.

Lane:  And, obviously, he was a few years behind you, but here's his little self-portrait.  I thought it was so great ... with the eyelashes.  Isn't it so cute?

Graham:  Yeah.  

Lane:  Anyway, I want to frame some of these things.  But, yeah, looking through that art, it really reminded me of our time in Portland.

Graham:  How did it do that?

Lane:  Oh, because it just took me back to all of our activities that we had there ... going to the swimming and the pool, and, you know, the sports that you guys had, and Riverdale, and Dunthorpe, and everything.

Graham:  OK.

Lane:  Yeah.  Duncan somehow made a lot of pictures of his friends when he was there, so I was just remembering everyone and there were actually some photographs of your classes in there.  So, it was really fun to look through.

Graham:  OK.

Lane:  I also remembered ... for some reason ... I was remembering our routines... like I remembered how careful I was with you guys, even when we went to the pool.  I would not let you go into the men's bathroom, but you guys changed at home and all that, because I was just really careful of your safety, and then, you know, Duncan's safety as well.

Um, so ... did Duncan ever say anything to you about being abused as a child?

Graham:  Why would you say that?

Lane:  I don't think he has any cause at all.  He never said anything to me about it, and he never said anything to your dad about it.  So, I just didn't know if he ever said anything to you.

Graham:  I can't think of a reason.

Lane:  OK.  But he didn't ever say anything?

Graham:  Excuse me?

Lane:  He didn't ever say anything to you about it?

Graham:  Why would you ask that?

Lane:  Because I don't see him very much or talk to him very much, so ... I just don't know if he ever said to you that he experienced inappropriate touching or sexual abuse or anything like that.

Graham:  Do you suspect that he did?

Lane:  That he said something like that?

Graham:   No, I'm just asking do you think that he did.

Lane:  That he did that?  No, I don't.

Graham:  OK.

Lane:  And you guys were together so much, I mean, to me, from my point of view, it seems like you guys were safe.

Graham:  Yeah, Mom, I don't think he did any of that.

Lane:  OK.  That's reassuring.  I'm grateful to hear that that's your perspective.  Because you guys were always together and going to activities together and, you know, it's always a fear that a parent has, because you don't know everybody who has access to your child.

Graham:  I don't think that happened.

Lane:  OK.  Good.  Thank you for that reassurance.  I appreciate it, honey.  Yeah, it's always .... parents... protective parents are trying to keep their children safe, for sure.  But thank you, Graham.  Thank you for weighing in.

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