My Third Novel's Conclusion, My Heartbreak

My heart begins to break when I think about completing this particular book -- because this narrative has sustained me like no other story I've known. It's both more personal and more universal than my other works. But beyond memory and archetype, it's a cri-de-coeur about needing to become the person one is destined to be. And in the writing, I have met my own life's work, my own fated journey -- having the sense all the while that the pages are suffused with a resonance, an energy, an electrified field that defies explanation. Writers hope and pray to be overtaken by a work in this way -- to be conscripted into passionate service of a profound story. To experience it even once in a lifetime seems a great privilege. I still have several months before this novel is complete, and this constitutes my reprieve. Because I'm not ready for the beauty to end.




Friday, December 16, 2022

A Demand for Silence

1.  You have stopped responding to your friends when they text or email you for the time being.  Why is that?

Answer:  Because I've received death threats pertaining to specific friends.  And I'm determined not to place them in harm's way.

2.  Is that sustainable indefinitely?

Answer:  No.  One can't live in indefinite isolation.  But I will always refuse to knowingly place others in harm's way.

3.  Certain FBI personnel are suggesting that you are psychologically unstable.

Answer:  That appears to be a central part of the FBI's "target of interest" protocol, unfortunately.  If you lose your temper in private due to FBI predations, agency personnel will record you in order to mischaracterize you to others.

4.  You don't normally swear.  Yet, you have been through some extraordinarily stressful experiences due to predation by far right segments of the FBI. 

Answer:  I don't normally swear in daily life, no.  Yet, as you say, it's extremely upsetting to confront malevolent actors trying to cause harm to you and your family over long periods of time.  There are times when I have sworn in a private setting, despite the fact that this is not my habit or my preference.

5.  Except the FBI perhaps invaded that "private setting" to record you while swearing.

Answer:  So I have been told.  I guess I would emphasize that the FBI's "target of interest" program involves a protocol of continuous, aggressive defamation and harm.  If we deprive law-abiding Americans of the right to be upset about that, we also deprive them of the right to be human.

My son Duncan swore over the aggression of the FBI once about a year ago.  But that is not his customary means of expression any more than it is mine.  Should the fact that his equanimity faltered once be used to defame him?  I think that would represent a lawless manipulation of a good person, don't you?

We need to allow people their humanity.  If expressing their anger behind closed doors assists them in processing their frustration in the moment, we need to recognize that they are entitled to that private expression.

6.  The FBI has characterized you as someone who hears voices and talks to herself, perhaps as a symptom of a delusional or psychotic disorder.

Answer:  I do not hear voices, except when someone in the room is speaking to me.  I do not have a delusional or psychotic disorder.  I am not biplolar.  I am not schizophrenic.  I am not depressed.  I do not have an anxiety disorder.  I have never had these diagnoses.

Because I am so comparatively isolated from social interaction at this point in time, I do occasionally sing inside the house or talk about immediate problem solving endeavors.  I think it's healthy to use my voice in this manner.  It's preparation for rejoining the wider world, to which I very much look forward.

7..  You have been told that the FBI has mischaracterized you as a liar.

Answer:  I have been told this.

8.  And what do you make of it?

Answer:  If I am a liar, why is the FBI so worried about the truth I am speaking regarding the agency?  If I am a liar, why did the FBI unlawfully redact my FOIA request #1496758-000?  If I am a liar, why does the agency wish to silence me?

9.  Can you think of anything you have lied about to federal investigators?

Answer:  I think I inadvertently misidentified a physical therapist in Redwood City as "Rachel Carson," when her name was actually "Rachel Bellows."

9.  Have you lied to your stalker?

Answer:  Early on, I wielded some misinformation toward his associates in order to assess how closely I was being surveilled and in what settings, how much of my history and my family members' history he had access to, etc.   Details such as what I ate for dinner, my husband's medical history or my own, how I spent my time at home -- some of this information I altered in order to gain more knowledge about his capabilities. At the outset, as a "target of interest," it's necessary to come up to speed and preserve one's safety at the same time.  I did not understand that my stalker was being paid by the FBI until fairly recently.  And it still astonishes me that he is drawing pay from the national treasury in order to cause gratuitous harm to a law-abiding American family.

10.  The FBI has called you a communist.

Answer:  I am a Democrat.  I believe in the civil liberties and human rights guaranteed to us by the Constitution of the United States.  I believe in capitalism.  I believe in the environment.  I believe in a woman's right to choose.  I believe in President Joseph Robinette Biden.

I am not a communist.  Not now.  Not ever.

11.  Your stalker has conveyed to you that you are under ongoing physical threat from some type of trained group of men with a harmful intent toward your family.

Answer:  He has conveyed this, yes.

12.  Has he conveyed to you the reason?

Answer:  My stalker has repeatedly made references to "espionage,"  "China," "Russia,"  and even "nuclear codes."  He has alleged that our housekeepers and gardeners have denounced us in making some of these false allegations.  He has suggested that my tenant Viktor Goldmakher was pressed into mailing me some type of incriminating material.  He has suggested that the AFE was being pressured to do the same.

13.  What is your perspective on this?

Answer:  It just seems ludicrous.  Far right segments of the FBI will not suddenly be "correct" by falsifying evidence or coercing yet one more denunciation.  My husband and I are entirely law-abiding.  If the FBI had real evidence of a crime committed by us, I hardly think the agency would be trying to assail us by trespass onto our property at night while we're sleeping.  This very approach speaks of criminality and knowing malfeasance.

14.  What is keeping you going at this point?

Answer:  The knowledge that there are many virtuous Americans out there who want the best for our country.  The awareness that my husband and I are not alone in our desire that democracy should flourish.  My love for my family and friends.  And my faith.

15.  Your stalker has demanded that you stop writing here, and he has suggested that you will be killed if you persist. Are you going to stop?

Answer:  I am aware of his demand.  I am trying to ascertain whether the FBI is suggesting that I choose an elective silence.

16.  And if they are?

Answer:  I can't speculate.  I'm seeking to understand the demand, as I have said.

17.  Do you hereby certify that the foregoing is true and correct?

Answer:  I do.




Lane MacWilliams


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